


Just wait without saying a word

by Midgetphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 09:58:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16616798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midgetphan/pseuds/Midgetphan
Summary: Domestic moments being domestic and sickeningly sweet sometimes.





	Just wait without saying a word

Dan is, if Phil were to be asked for it specifically, red. He considers himself blue.

Even if Dan’s favorite color to wear is another, to Phil black symbolizes emptiness, a whole where unexpected things awaited patiently to be discovered. It means silence. A complete opposite of his personality. No, Dan was red. The color of fire and blood, associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love.

Red is a very emotionally intense color. It enhances human metabolism, increases respiration rate, and raises blood pressure. It has very high visibility, which is why stop signs, stoplights, and fire equipment are usually painted red. In heraldry, red is used to indicate courage.  

That was Dan for Phil. Always visible, never one to be left without the last word. A person completely able to submerge himself in projects as long as he loved them with a ferocious passion. Intense, always on spotlight, impossible to miss.

Phil considers himself blue. It has nothing to do with his eyes.

_“I swear Phil they are at least three different colors.”_

Blue is the color of the sky and sea. It is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven.

Blue is considered beneficial to the mind and body. It slows metabolism and produces a calming effect. Blue is strongly associated with tranquility and calmness. In heraldry, blue is used to symbolize piety and sincerity. Phil often believes that’s true, on the surface at least.

Dan is red. He is blue. Together they’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue for seven years. A very rare color in nature, often considered artificial. It evokes different emotions depending on who sees it. It has been evoking different emotions since Phil first tweeted him back. Back when red was a color he didn’t consider in his life.

Purple is not the color they would chose to most things, it has been spoiled by many brands already. But Phil likes the representation it gives them. He told Dan that one day.  

_“It’s only a color Phil. I prefer to think we are colorless” he points at himself “and colorful” he points at him. He is wrong of course but Phil lets it go._

Phil may not like purple that much but he likes their purple.  

* * *

Dan knows Phil can’t take care of living things. That’s why he was against the plants from the beginning.

“I believe you still can save it.” Dan has been reading something on his phone while Phil’s mind was in turmoil with thoughts. Things needed to be done, ideas for new videos, new merchandise to be finished, material to be prepared for meetings. Dan was concentrated, his eyebrows on a slight frown. Phil had no idea what he is talking about because last time he checked the brunette was supposed to be helping him.

“Save what.”

“Your houseplant” He says it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. The houseplant he had secretly bought and cared of had long been dying without him knowing why. Phil had given up to be honest and bought another that was expected to arrive in a few days. Dan didn’t know that yet.  

“Look I’ve been reading and it might need a new fertilizer or a bigger pot.” He only stare at him. Daniel is solemnly serious and Phil wonders for how long he’d been searching for that instead of doing what they were supposed to be doing.

_“Phil I swear I won’t be dragged into babysitting that plant so you better take good care of it.”_

Dan still hasn’t looked at him when he stands up and stretches. “Let’s go then, there’s a place we can find natural fertilizers but it will take us about an hour to arrive.” Phil wants to kiss him then but doesn’t.  

He does however smile as they get in the cab. Even if the houseplant is saved another will arrive soon and Dan’ll complain about it. And he will take care of it as well.

* * *

Dan is loud. Phil has headaches easily.

He isn’t vocally loud as represented on his videos. Not always anyway, at home his voice is low, calmed. But he is loud in everything else, physically he shouts any sentence even if he’s only whispering it. His emotions are loud and resonate on every inch of his body. Phil has learned listening to Dan Howell involves observing him most of the time. He can also be literally loud of course leaving Phil in fear for his hearing in the long term.

When they first skyped Dan had been quiet. Too shy to be recognizable now. His emotions had been loud for him then even if Phil was yet too new to hear them properly. Now he can’t be quiet and sometimes Phil wishes he could turn Dan’s volume down a little. He knows, of course that he wouldn’t in the end but it’s something he is allowed to fantasize about.  

Dan is very eloquent, it’s endearing hearing him speak of things he discovers after nights reading wikipedia and is always keen on lecturing Phil on different subjects before sharing them with their audience. A lot of times he repeats things he’d already told him before. Phil doesn’t point it out. Sometimes he moves his hands too much and stops when Phil points it out.  

In their meetings while arranging things for final shows in Europe, Dan spoke a lot. Every commentary mouthed with intelligence, every remark cautiously seeking for the tour to end perfectly. He was very articulate in this kind of things. Phil made observations from time to time and Dan elaborated. It didn’t bother him, he knew what them both wanted for their audience. Phil took care of other things, more technical ones that Dan forgot.

Phil doesn’t tell him when his head starts pounding, Dan knows by now. Phil knows he knows because that’s one of the few times when the piano echoes through the flat and everything else is quiet. When the headache stops Phil tells him he needs to practice more because that was awful. Dan calls him a deaf ungrateful spoon, his emotions loud still with fondness Phil hears with every stroke of gentle fingers on his scalp.  

Dan is loud. Phil can go through any headache as long as he can observe his words being loud at everything he says to him forever.

* * *

In every social event they position the chairs so close one can’t move without the other nothing. The people around are used to it now or they don’t point it out anymore at least.

The first time they met in Manchester Dan had, in hope to perform a cool personage, been physically distant. Phil had taken his hand between walking simply because he could. He had been shivering. Phil didn’t let go after his body calmed down. It’s been seven years and his hand still reaches searching for Phil’s before any presentation for a brief squeeze, when his thoughts become too loud, when words can’t express enough what he is feeling. Phil doesn’t let go even after he stops trembling and Dan simply squeezes him tighter.  

* * *

“Take my hand so you don’t get lost.”  

“I don’t get lost.” Phil says as he take his hand. They avoid touching in public, however they are never apart for longer than five minutes. Phil gets distracted easily and wonders off. Dan always finds him. Phil jokes he Dan had implanted him a chip to GPS his position. Dan says he will, someday. Even without a chip he always finds him.  

* * *

They don’t say “I love you”. Not loudly. In fact they barely remember the last time the words were punctually pronounced out loud.

That thought scares Phil for a moment yet the words don’t come out. It feels weird to even think on saying them out loud. It’s not them. Not something they do. Not really a necessity. Never truly given a name for what they have. Something that had gone through so many changes and that has finally become steady. Solid. Platonic. Mature yet not mature enough.

Mature enough to get them tangled together with lust when nights are clear and have breakfast in bed together the morning after instead of avoiding each other with regret. Not mature enough to label it even with people who have known them from the beginning maybe. Mature enough to shrug and admit they’re happy together when asked instead of completely denying it. Mature enough to know they don’t want to date anyone else because they are not them. Not mature enough to adopt a dog. Mature enough to know it will be  their’s.

Mature enough to know and knowing the other one knows and knowing that’s enough.  

* * *

“They are everywhere aren’t they?” Felix comments after the picture posted gets immediate reactions from the audience. The audience. Everyone laughs. It’s good they, the collectively them offscreen, knows they are enjoying themselves, good they see them happily sharing moments with a group of people willing to be shared online too.  

For the rest of the party Phil talks with PJ, Dan sits on the other couch where they can hear him laughing.

“What comes next?” He doesn’t mean it as a nosy question, it’s something Phil has been wondering as well. A palpitating whisper beneath the constant steam on his brain.

“Some calm, relaxing months I expect. We can do with some vacations after last year.”

“Japan again?”

“We’d certainly enjoy that. “Dan’s laughter catches their attention momentarily deviating their eyes to see him and his dimple enjoying a joke unheard by them. “Maybe going for a couple of weeks this time without so much on our heads.”  

“Without making it public?” Phil nods and receives a knowing look “They’d start sending wedding presents.” Luckily he had not been drinking or an accident would’ve occurred but they are laughing instead.  

“I reckon. They are already looking for hidden rings and locations.” In reflex Phil looks at the couch of the other part of the room. Dan’s fingers are jewelry free, uncommitted resting on his lap.

“Have you thought about it?”  

Phil often finds myself grateful of PJ’s friendship. He knows them. He knows him, not as amazingphil only but Phil, just Phil. They share a creativity bond he doesn’t take for granted.

“I don’t know.” He say honestly because he is not sure the idea had been ever real in his head. Ever a thought itself separated from the solid knowledge that his life is intertwined already, enough for years to come. But then again Dan’s fingers are naked, playing with themselves. “Should I?”

PJ shrugs “You are still young besides what matters is the answer you’d receive. The ceremony is a formality.”

Phil is aware of the answer, of both their answers but then again he is not one who cares about tangible proves of commemorations like Dan. He stays silent for a while now, head spinning with ideas, pictures of moments and strangers enjoying themselves in what could be a traditional ceremony, with their faces at the center of it. Dan’s. Beautiful and rose as he would be.  

“It wouldn’t be so difficult to keep it a secret. Any of it.” Whatever expression PJ had read on his face has been interpreted in fear of being discovered apparently. “Or, you could use the time to..” His eyebrows are lifted. Phil shakes his head.

“We’re not a commercial for everyone else.” PJ nods with a smile and understands the subject is dropped.

* * *

People often asks him if Dan ever has existential crisis as his branding elaborates. Phil say he often stop from falling with his body on the floor or that his worst crisis was when Zayn left One Direction. People laughs and Dan agrees with it.

In reality it’s been years since Dan’s last “crisis”. Phil is thankful of that, because Dan’s demons used to torment him to pieces that he’d fear would never heal back. They can laugh now, joke and use it to help their followers with it somehow but the idea of him being dragged down on that drowning spiral of thoughts again terrifies Phil sometimes.  

* * *

_“I hate it Phil” He sobs with an anger that was slowly drying him and Phil doesn’t know what else to do but hold him up. “I hate my life. All of it.” It breaks Phil’s heart but he can’t say it. Dan can’t know how the implications of his words added him in that equation of his misery making Phil feel useless and fearing he is about to lose him._

* * *

Phil believed he had been selfish then. Dragging Dan outside ignoring his glare, pushing him to make videos ignoring the roll of his eyes, talked and talked ignoring his quietness. Sometimes Phil likes to believe his voice had been the one that silenced Dan’s demons back then. He just got better and loud and vibrant again and Phil didn’t care whose merit it was because it had taken him some time to heal accordingly.

* * *

Perhaps the movie they are watching would do it this time, Phil unconsciously thinks, perhaps it becomes a trigger. Phil has gotten used to this fears now, to his veins icing when a shadow obscures those big brown eyes he adores seeing alive. He asks Dan if he is okay.  

“Why?” he asks back nonchalantly.  

“Don’t you fear it anymore then?” that’s when he get his total attention.

“What are you talking about?”

Phil tilts his head to the TV “Well this film explores lonely alienation and desperation that comes as a result of not making any choices in an absurd existence.”  

Dan laughs “And? I won’t lay down on the floor for a movie Phil.”

He can’t really lie to Phil, not when he is staring directly to his eyes.  

“Would you prefer me having a stupid crisis instead?” he asks. Dan hates when the other doesn’t answer. He has learned to be more patient with time.

“Of course not, don’t be stupid.” Phil pauses the video, though he really doesn’t want to continue, and turns to face him entirely. “You don’t fear it anymore? How fragile existence is and all that?”

Dan is taken back then, not a reaction that denotes fear but exclusive astonishment at the question. When the other doesn’t laugh or look away he recollects himself. Phil wishes he had the ability to read his thoughts then, know why his skin tone has tainted a thin tone of pink or why he suddenly breaks into a smile. That annoying smirk he has when he knows something Phil doesn’t.  

“I was young back then Phil. Existence doesn’t scare me anymore.”

Phil frowns. Not knowing things of Dan Howell before Dan Howell was unusual on his book. “Since when?”

“Since I decided I don’t care. Everything is fragile and doomed to extinction and we are all going to die in the blink of an eye.”

“Very positive line of thoughts.”

He shakes his head still amused “I used to be terrified by a lot of things but especially by fragility. Of sentiments, of purpose, of life in general.” His pupils dilate then as his blush intensifies. Phil waits for an explanation. “Y-you know how it went for me. In many if not every aspect of my life except for one. You. Then I realized you were a constant.”

Phil certainly didn’t expect that. “ A constant?”  

“You know what a constant is.”  

“Not changing or varying.” It almost sounded like a question. Was that what he was? The only personified example that came to Phil’s mind was Peter Pan. Hardly a flattering comparison. He frowns.  

“Invariable.” Dan had obviously heard the incredulity in his voice. “I mean, look, people, feelings, memories die and the universe doesn’t give a crap right?” he was gesticulating now “But none of that matters to constants. They have always been there and will continue there. If you think of that then a constant has more power than the universe itself because it’s not infinite, which is an unbelievable idea, but something solid. Unbreakable.”  

Oh.

“Dan”

“And after all the crap I gave you and all you didn’t leave. So yeah you’re my constant.”  

Phil can’t help it then. It really is his fault when he pulls him by the shirt and kisses him. His face is hot and Phil’s hands on his cheeks cools him down, apart from keeping him from separating from his mouth to keep talking. Phil wants to tell him he is stupid then. That his analogy is flawed but then again Phil wants it. He wants to be Dan’s constant. He wants it to be reciprocated.

* * *

Phil remembers sometimes school times; friends asking his help to decorate different sizes of paper with romantic themes to give their significant others. He never got the chance to do that. The most romantic palpable thing his twenty year old self ever did was a poor edition of pictures on video maker with a sappy song in the background. He still cringes remembering it. Phil had blamed it on lack of inspiration and the sensation that doing that kind of tangible manifestations just wasn’t his thing.

The inspiration had arrived along with a young Dan. With his sad eyes, his bright smile, his golden skin.

The tingle to decorate A1 papers never hit, but with snow as his paper he wrote those three letters with Dan by his side, and even if they would be dissipated soon enough Dan’s teary eyes as he said it back were enough confirmation that no crepe paper would be more perfect.

The plushie he had given Dan then was still in his room too.

Phil never needed material objects as manifestations of his feelings. He could write entire poems on Dan’s skin with his mouth and the reactions he got were tangible enough for him to treasure forever.

Still, Dan had wanted the books. Things he could weight on his hands. Things that would stay forever no matter what. And maybe, Phil thought, that included a solid ring claiming them as each other’s.

Phil is thinking this when he corners Dan on their old couch. The boxes still to be filled with things they’ll keep on their new place. But Dan had been giggling after finding yet another crack on the ceiling of their lounge and with the imminent moving in only a couple of days Phil had to pull him close to attach their lips.

His skin begin to a slow burn when he separates a few minutes after. Dan follows him aching for more, his lips invitingly pink so Phil rests his forehead on his.

"Do you want me to propose?” He asks because Phil has discovered over the years that romance is overrated. With them it means private glances, secret brushes of skin and candor, honest candor when in the privacy of their flat. With them it means talking, talking like best friends before anything else.  

“What?” Dan is kissing his jaw then, so Phil clears his throat.

“Dan. Do you want me to propose to you?”  

At that Dan stops. Phil knows he is bright red right then as the other looks up with wide eyes and maybe a little pale given they had been smooching seconds before.

“What?” He squeals this time.

“Dan.”

“Are you?”

“What?”

“Are you proposing right now?” Phil blinks because he somehow forgets to sometimes.  

“No. I just wanted to know if you ever want me to you know.” Dan is frowning now, untangling himself from him and Phil doesn’t need to open his mind encyclopedia to know his mind is working miles per hour.

“That’s not how… If you don’t… Fuck, Phil.” He covers his face with his hands before groaning. “Fuck you scared me there, my blood went from my crotch to my face to my feet in seconds!”

“I’m serious Dan. We’ve never really talked about that and I don’t know if you’re expecting me to do it or…”

“Shush.” Phil’s mouth is effectively covered by a hand. Dan inhales deeply before a vomit of words come out quite rapidly. “Jesus, Phil I was about to murder you right then. I mean, no, we’ve never really talked of it but I believed it was clear that it is a step to come in the future for us, at least the commitment part because fuck if I ever go into a church I might implode you know? Who knows but we’re already moving in a couple of days and then traveling and fuck give me a break, since when have you been thinking of marriage to begin with? Let me buy the ring first before you come and fucking- ah!”

He retracts his bitten hand from Phil with such astonishment he can’t help but laugh even when Dan starts poking him.

“You. Bit. Me.”

“You wouldn’t shut up otherwise!” The older one manages to say between chuckles as fingers tickle him merciless. “Stop!”

“No!”

“Dan!”

“Nope.”

“Please!”

What follows is a two side battle with long limbs looking to either push the other or find open spaces to attack. Bodies familiar with each other after years of gentle manipulations, compliant strokes or abundant teasing. Laughter leaving them gasping for air, the younger one victorious on top of the other.

“Phil.” Dan’s dimple is there, his eyes are glazing and Phil sees it there. He hadn’t needed to worry after all of asking the question.  

“Yeah.”

“I am going to propose to you.”  

_And I’m going to say yes._

“Kay.”

Waiting was going to be easy, Phil reckons as their lips meet in the middle again. They are good at bargain and with answers already a certainty stronger than any ceremony Phil looked at their future months, years together with a smile.


End file.
